Just another “episode”

I’ve hit a momentary blip again. I’ve tried really hard to not get back in this place but its proven ineffective. I get so angry that I’ve put all this time and effort in with my mental illness, with trying to manage on my own and it rears its unwelcoming ugly head in my business. The thing about depression and anxiety is that sometimes there is just no logical explanation as to why it has come back. I sit and wonder if there is something I have failed to do right, or something I actually haven’t done for that matter but it makes no difference what I do or don’t do it still manages to find me.

For those of you who don’t know, I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years, since my teens actually and I’m 27 now so you can work out the math! It hasn’t been a constant battle, it comes and goes but my anxiety is almost a constant drag. I started realising it had come back a few weeks ago as I felt myself getting more stress, overthinking everything and just pushing people away-mainly my partner, who recognises the symptoms better than I do!

I’ve always tried to do it on my own, without medication and without counselling, but with the children and I’m busy wedding planning and working in the evenings, I guess everything is just piling up and I can’t cope. I only admitted this about a week ago by the way. I was ashamed to admit it again, I felt like a failure to my partner and more so to my children. I don’t want them seeing me when I’m having a bad day or “episode” as the doctors call it. So I made the decision to visit my doctor again, the one who dealt with it all last time so he knows my history with it all. I find nothing worse than having to explain it all to someone new and delve back into all the baggage from my past.

He has put me on an antidepressant, the same one I was on three year ago but a lower dose to start with. I have to go back in two weeks for a review, but I feel quite proud that I admitted it so early on and I’ve gone to get help. The pills should hopefully be having some sort of effect before Christmas, which is exactly what I need as I’m cooking for nine people and we are hosting this year, so I need some sort of sanity to get me through the day, thats without the stress of everything else. I didn’t go and see the doctor just to go back on pills, but I feel I have no other option. I have tried for three years to deal with it by myself and nothing is working for me.

Do I feel ashamed? Of course I do. I never wanted this option but the doctor knows whats best for me and my family and if its pills then I shouldn’t feel ashamed I guess. I have made the right decision to seek help to make my life better for others. Regrettably I don’t think there is a cure for depression and its one of those daily life battles that you feel will never end, but if you can get the help, thats a step closer to feeling “normal”. I feel bad that people are in less fortunate circumstances than me, but its got nothing to do with what we have and haven’t got. You could have all the money and friends in the world and still you could have depression. Its nothing to do with point scoring, its just a call for help.

I found this quote from Stephen Fry about depression and it couldn’t be more true.

“If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.

Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”

― Stephen Fry

I live by this quote regularly because I can relate to it. Its not a simple illness. Its not attention seeking. Its one of the hardest things to live with and it kills people. I’m glad I’ve spoken about it again. Depression isn’t a sign of weakness, in fact its the opposite. Fighting hard to keep things together every day is a sign of power. Remember that. I know I will.

I’ll give you an update in a month or so when I’m hopefully seeing some results in the medication. Until then…

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