Just when I thought my life had taken a turn for better things and I was actually happy, things happen and it fucks it again.
On my previous blog I had said that I was in a better place and finally had control of my anxiety. I lied. It’s back and I’m feeling like a fucking failure again.
Overthinking. Heart palpitations. Cold sweats. Paranoia. Welcome back… I’ve missed you, oh wait no I haven’t. You are back to ruin me again!
Well I’m not going to let you! I am stronger than this and this is just a momentary blip, right? I don’t want to be in the place I was.
I’m faced with a problem and I don’t know how to tackle it. Ignore it, deal with it, scream at it, overthink it all and not actually do fuck all. At the moment I am doing the latter. The kids are in bed, my hubby to be is at Boxing so I’m literally on my Todd just watching shit on TV and overthinking. Going over the same shit I’ve been through time and time again, thinking nothing has changed why even bother, thinking I can’t just keep quiet because that’s not me, thinking if things will be different, but then I’ve heard that all before. I thought giving myself more time to think would help, but actually it’s making it worse, I probably would have been better off dealing with it head on this morning and not waiting until now to contemplate it all.
People say, just ignore it, sometimes, especially for me, that’s one of the most hardest things I can do. I physically can’t. My stupid anxiety makes it a constant “thing.” I want to scream. I want to cry, my emotions are just all over the place.
I have no idea if any of you will twig what this is about, maybe if some of you know me, it won’t take much to guess but I don’t feel it would be right to go into too much detail about the problem on here.
I’m getting married in April and all I can think now is whether this will happen again. I have so many good things in my life right now, I don’t want anything coming in the way. I have the people I need in my life, and let’s face it, as a parent you can’t let problems get in the way. I’m having enough issues with my son at the moment that I don’t think him picking up on my stress will help things – but that’s another issue for another blog post.
If any of you have anxiety and felt you were coping and then suddenly, wham it’s back, please help me and advise me as to how to get through it again. Maybe it’s just because it’s fresh and raw which is why I’m feeling like this, maybe it will be better in a few days, but for now I’m struggling and I’m reaching out to you lovely lot for help and support.
Sorry for the depressing post, I guess we all have times where we feel in a bad place.