My mother is Narcissistic. No matter how many times I have washed my hands of her and told her “I don’t want you back,” she somehow manages to worm her way back in.
One minute I will believe that she loves me, the next she hates me and she couldn’t give a damn less how I feel. She is just not capable of loving me. Looking back I realise that she has never shown me that unconditional love. Her “love” has always been about how much praise and adoration I shower on her.
Cut the long story short, I have always wanted that mother-daughter relationship. I have been envious of friends who have that and seeing their bond, my mother, well I guess she is different. I have never had that closeness since she walked out on my brother and I when I was seven. Looking back, the young, immature me wanted to go with her and I thought the world of her, now? Now I have learnt just how she has messed things up. She has lied to me a lot in the past, I wont go into detail as its unnecessary but only in the past ten years or so have I realised just how much she has lied to me about. As a mother myself now, my duty is to protect my children from her lies and whatever else she decides to spout at me. I gave her a final chance to make amends when Luna was born, because I don’t know, I must be some sort of mug, or its because I am a better person than she is. She came to stay with me on mothers day for a few days as I am in desperate need with help looking after the children, I wish I never bothered. I found out she had lied to me again, tried to ruin my relationship with my father and my brother. I have cut all ties with her yet again.
I have discovered, only recently that she is a narcissistic parent. I have chosen to not give her what she wants, I don’t want her to manipulate, emotionally abuse and command me. She has no incentive to change, regardless of what she says, I think I have given her enough chances to prove it to me and she continues to prove me wrong. What kind of “parent” can even utter the words “ungrateful bitch” to their child? My mum, all because I confront her about the lies she tells then she must get some sort of kick by insulting me.
As I have chosen to not let her rule my life anymore I have a lifetime of wounds that need healing inside. My self esteem is pretty much non existent thanks to her and I am full of self-doubt. I am extremely lucky that my father is the complete opposite and is amazing. He will help me and has helped me heal from her manipulative ways in the past so I know I can do it again.
Obviously she doesn’t and wont make it easy for me this time. She has already started bad mouthing me to everyone she knows, but it will all be worth it. I will no longer be demanded to because I need to meet her needs. I need to find courage deep down to start my life without her. I have learnt one important thing from all of this, I will never treat my children the way she has treated me.
I have been beyond stressed this week and confused about what to do but now its all calmed down a bit I can focus on the people that actually matter around me. For the first time in a while Oscar and I spent some quality time together today and whilst he was painting my nails, and I was painting his I had forgotten about all the shit she has put me through this past week. That’s when I realised, actually, I can do this. I will do this. Have I done the right thing by blogging this? Probably not, but it’s made me feel a thousand times better.