“Mummy, I hate you!”

And it begins. He hates me. 

As if I don’t feel bad enough right now, but for my own son to hate me, kills me. The worst thing is when he doesn’t hate anyone else except me. He doesn’t hate his dad, he doesn’t hate his grandparents, just me.

It’s hard not to feel any sort of resentment because I live night and day for him, serve him constantly, love him to pieces but still he manages to hate me. This makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. Having someone hate me really displeases me.

I guess I have to accept that I am not here to be loved by my children but I am present to do the loving. I have to accept that he wont reciprocate my feelings that I feel for him, every day is a challenge at the moment, but I guess thats normal in a toddlers world. He can’t express himself the way we express ourselves, he doesn’t have the vocabulary that I do, he just picks up common words or phases and “I hate you” is one of them.

I’ve had my mum come and help me for the past four days as I have been at breaking point for about a month now. In some ways it has made me feel better that someone else has been able to see how he treats me, but now she has gone I realise how lonely I am and how much I am struggling. Of course I have my partner, but during the days I am alone and hell, am I struggling! I’m not exaggerating but Oscar will have a violent tantrum every 20 or so minutes throughout the day. Now, I’ve seen other two/three year olds and yes, they have the odd strop here and there but nothing compared to Oscar. This past month has just been something else.

What am I doing wrong? 

I always said before I was a parent that children pick up their bad habits and behaviours from their parents, this would mean its me and my fault. It probably is to a certain extent. I am short tempered, even more so now and I am on edge constantly because every day when the day begins I know I am in for a day of shitty meltdowns and abuse from my two (almost three) year old son. It’s easy for outsiders to say, “calm down” or  “ignore his tantrums” but what am I supposed to do when he screams in my face, or hits me? People tell me its just a phase? Is it? Because I’m starting to have my doubts. Maybe this is it and I’ve just failed.

Another thing I have researched and thought about is ADHD. I’m still uncertain if this is even a thing. I used to think it was just down to lazy parenting and hyperactive children, but now its all starting to point to this. He has all the apparent symptoms, and no matter what activity we do with him he will still play up, or strop etc. I have spoken to some people with ADHD and they have said things like martial arts, and sports helped, I may look into extra curricular activities for Oscar to do to see if this helps him.

Another piece of advice I have been given from a few people is to get a nursery nurse come and assess Oscar’s behaviour at his pre-school and home. Also they will be able to tell me where I am going wrong, and what bad habits he is picking up from me. Hopefully they might me able to give me some positive tips to help combat this.

If anyone has any advise on anything then please, tell me. I am struggling and this is beyond my control at the moment. I am hoping he might just snap out of it one day but right now that seems to be in the distant future. I want my happy boy back.

Oscar- I’m sorry. I love you and I am trying my best. Please bare with me. 

Until next time…

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