Day one of half term and I’m done.

I’m writing this whilst my son has been sat on the toilet for the past hour and a half (no exaggeration) not even attempting to go, even though yet again he needs too. Day three of no movement so far, soon to be four days. See previous blogs on withholding.

Oscar has been poorly for about four days now, sickness, cough, cold, the usual winter bug that seems to always make an unwelcome appearance a few weeks after it has left. Just in time for half term! All right, half term is only a week long but still its a week of constant entertainment I need to find for my almost three year old boy who never stops, let alone naps. Obviously its difficult giving him my constant attention with my teething six month old in tow, who screams blue murder every time I leave the room, even though she can now crawl after me. One of the phases I didn’t miss with Oscar.

Anyway, Oscar is slowly getting over whatever bug this happens to be, although chicken pox is doing the rounds so I’m just waiting for him to come out in spots.

At the moment I really feel like my son hates us. Its like something has happened overnight and he just isn’t happy anymore. We take him out and praise him when he behaves etc, but he will still have huge tantrums over nothing. This is beyond just the normal “terrible two” tantrums. We went for a walk a few days ago and all he did, literally every ten minutes (baring in mind it was his idea to go for a walk) was lay on the floor, in the mud, screaming and scaring pretty much all the wildlife off. This is very unlike him. He wont listen, he is on the naughty step every day at least three times at the moment. I am losing it.

Most of my days are spent with crying, screaming at my partner not because its his fault obviously but because I need to vent and feeling like I am failing every day. Who knew an almost three year old could control my moods so much? My anxiety is sky high, I wake up every morning worrying about what I will do wrong today in the world of parenting. Oscar told me tonight that “he didn’t like me” whilst we were trying to get him to poo, this destroyed me. I would say I know he didn’t mean it but right now I’m not sure. He acts like I’m the worst parent in the world everyday, maybe I am? Maybe I’m shit at parenting. I try and put a brave face on it, but even my partner can see its affecting me. Is this normal? Today I went to my mother in laws and locked myself in the bathroom so I could sit on the floor and have a cry, I sound like such an ungrateful bitch because I have two incredibly beautiful children and I am blessed to have them, but never in all my dreams of wanting to become a mother, did I think it would be this difficult. Mentally. It has got worse since Luna came along, so I assume jealously is a massive part to play in it, but she is six months old now and its only just started to get bad. I thought this stage was supposed to die down by the time they turn three, or is that all a load of shit just to get you through the “terrible two” stage? I’m new to this, I don’t know where I am going wrong. I want my happy boy back. I love him unconditionally but he is breaking me.

Poo withholding is still the main issue with him. I am ringing the doctors again tomorrow to see if he can be referred to a paediatric psychiatrist to see if that will help him go. He is not constipated, its not dietary, and he doesn’t have any blockages. It is literally just psychological. We have bought books one for us to read but it just explains everything we have tried and are doing, and we bought one for Oscar but its done nothing. We buy him a toy every time he poo’s, he gets stickers and ridiculous amounts of praise. This has been happening for nearly a year now, it has to end soon. I have heard good things about child psychiatrists so hopefully that is the way forward as I refuse medication for it, because its not a medical problem. Does anyone else have any reviews on it? Is it worth it? Or is he too young? Sorry for all the questions but we have come to a dead end with it. It’s not healthy for Oscar or ourselves to have this much stress over something so illogical. I’ve heard its more common with boys, so I really hope Luna never has this problem.

I don’t know if the poo problem is contributing to his moods, or whether this is what to be expected. He has friends the same age or a few weeks older and they never seem to be as naughty or stroppy as my son. He will only do it when he is with us, in front of his grandparents or at nursery he is really good. He brings home certificates about his behaviour, it just makes no sense to me.

I’m sorry for the depressive blog this time, but this is reality to me. This is how I am feeling and I’m not going to put on a front to other parents out there who may be able to help me. I had such an amazing response to poo withholding on my other blogs and was amazed it is as common as what it is, yet no one seems to have a solution. I thought I would add that this paediatric psychiatrist is THE last resort. I have no other solution after this. Any advice is more than welcome. Hopefully I will be able to write a more upbeat blog next time, about how well its going.

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