Maybe its because its January, maybe its because I’m stressed constantly, but so far in the first three weeks of this new year I am really struggling with pretty much everything. Not just parenting, but being here on my own everyday, counting down the hours until my partner comes home so I can have some adult conversation and company.
I was all for ‘new year new me’and all that shit, but it’s just not working for me this year. The past few years I’ve had something to look forward to, something to aim for, but this year is bleak. Probably because last year I was pregnant and in 2014 I was pregnant so they were both amazing years. Yes, I have my children and every year they hit a birthday so that I guess is something to look forward to, although I’m actually getting down with how fast they are both growing. Luna is now five months old, trying to crawl, learning to sit up, eating solids and I guess I just haven’t prepared myself for all this to happen yet, she is still my little girl, pretty much a newborn in my eyes. Oscar, well he is going to be three this year, I can’t even think where the first three years of his life have gone! But I really hope these terrible twos fuck off. I have had over a year of them now and quite frankly I’m done with this stage, in this scenario I actually want him to grow up, but only past this stage. Every day he is not listening and really testing me at the moment, I used to think it was to do with his poo withholding (see previous blogs, I’ve ranted enough about it) but it just appears to be that is how he is. I was looking at old pictures last night of when he was six months old up until a year, and he used to be so happy, and now he isn’t. So bring on the terrific threes! (Although I’ve recently heard three year olds are worse than two year olds, please tell me this isn’t true!)
Another reason I am so down is because I am lonely, STILL. Don’t get me wrong I have friends, albeit a handful of close friends, but then thats all I need, I talk to them every day over whats app or Facebook, but its not the same as seeing them. It really gets to me when people say I have it easy because I’m a stay at home parent. I would love to be able to go out to work again, but I just can’t afford childcare or have anyone to watch the children for me. Lack of money is a huge issue for us at the moment. My partner is a self employed gardener, and being winter here work is quiet for him, hence no money. We also rent, so its just like throwing money down the drain, paying £835 for a flat knowing its not ours. My life is pretty mundane and routine, but you know, I’m bored of it. I never expected to give up so much of my previous life when I became a mother, sounds selfish doesn’t it, but its true. Its hard enough getting Oscar to pre-school on time, or going food shopping with two screaming children, but its the same shit I do day in day out. Weekends are slightly better at least my partner is here, but we still can’t afford to do anything so I’m still stuck inside. The weather is pants here nine times out of ten, and with a baby I can’t really take her out in -4 because England is not equipped for it. We had four inches of snow last weekend, and everyone had a breakdown and were panic buying in the shops because we hardly get snow here. It was 4 inches!
Don’t get me wrong of course there are pro’s to being a stay at home parent, I get to watch my children learn things every day and not miss out on any new milestones. The bond I have with both of them (when Oscar decides to like me) are incredible, but I need something to aim for this year.
I’m not having another baby this year, so don’t suggest that and that really wouldn’t help things at the moment with lack of funds and space in our flat, although my womb is aching with how fast Luna is growing up, but thats besides the point. I’d love to go on holiday this year but we don’t have any valid passports and thats about £400 for four passports, without actually going on holiday. I’ve looked at breaks away in the UK but again they are ridiculously expensive. The way I’m feeling at the moment I want to emigrate to Australia, where my father in law lives, but its not as simple as up and leave. Again it comes down to finance and job opportunities for my partner, and me hopefully when the kids are in full time education. At the moment its a pretty far away dream. The thing that really gets my back up is people saying they have no money, but they do, the ones who say they can’t afford that but then buy a new car, or go on a fancy holiday. Yes of course it annoys me more because I’m jealous, but realistically it annoys me more because they don’t actually know what its like to have NO money. I have no savings, we can’t even afford to put money aside and save. Some days my partner and I will go without eating so our children don’t go without. I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m just expressing my views at how difficult being a stay at home mother is, financially and mentally. I know there are a million people worse off than me and thats what keeps me going, knowing I am lucky and blessed to have what I do have even though we are struggling.
Anyone got any good tips as to what I can do with my life and the kids? I don’t drive and live in a village thats pretty much in the stone age and nowhere near a train station and buses are too expensive. So getting out is challenging and near enough impossible unless its walking distance. Do we just up and leave England somehow? I’m bored and want change and a life where I can give the kids and my partner everything they deserve. I feel like I have failed at being a mother and a wife. I’m positive I will get some haters after this blog, but there has to be someone out there who feels the same as me. To the haters, you can go and hate on someone else because quite frankly I don’t need more shit to deal with.