Two Kids, a partner and I’m lonely as hell.

I wonder how many single parents will judge me for writing this blog?

So, believe it or not us parents that have children and a partner still get lonely. I never thought this was possible, I mean its pretty stupid really. How can a parent with a supportive partner and children possibly be lonely? I’ll explain how.

Maybe it’s just me, but when my first born arrived, even through the pregnancy, the amount of people that I had around me was amazing. I was having visitors all the time helping me with Oscar, reassuring me that I was doing good, until he started getting older then the visits from friends and family fizzled out. Suddenly I’d gone from seeing people every week, to every two to three weeks.

I’m one of these people who doesn’t have a lot of friends, just a few close ones, which is all I need. My partner was working full time Monday- Friday, my friends worked, my family worked and for the first time I felt alone. It’s a very bizarre feeling, I felt selfish because of all the single parents out there coping just fine and there was me making a huge deal about being lonely.

Every day I would watch the clock and wait until my partner would come home so I finally had an adult to talk to, not just stare at a baby, do chores and laze about. I felt ashamed to tell anyone this, because my life was pretty perfect, I had everything I had wished for. I never knew parenthood could make you feel this way, you get told its not easy but you still don’t mentally prepare yourself for the loneliness feeling.

I never went to parent and baby groups, I have anxiety and at the time I didn’t like meeting new people because I felt I would be judged. Maybe if I went to them I wouldn’t of felt lonely, hindsight is a wonderful thing!

Luna arrived two years later. With a second pregnancy/new baby, people don’t seem as interested like they are with the first, so I felt even more lonely. I had very few people visit me when she was born, and even now people don’t really show much interest. Weirdly I find it even more lonely with two children, I can’t really explain why. Maybe because my whole day is distracted by the children and I don’t have time for adult company, or to go out places as its such a challenge with two. I don’t drive, and public transport is limited here so the only time I get out is taking Oscar to pre-school three mornings a week, or when my partner is here weekends. I’m unemployed because childcare here is so ridiculously expensive that I’d have to be some sort of entrepreneur or millionaire to be able to afford it and go to work, so for me that is not an option. When you choose to have children you give up your entire life that you had before, for me that was working 12 hour shifts in a busy care home and I was around people all the time, I really loved my job and I miss it. Nothing prepares you for the new you. I still don’t go to parent and baby groups, so I still haven’t learnt from the first time round and I’m not helping myself but its difficult to get out the pit when you’re used to the mundane and routine life you live.

I admire you single parents, no doubt you feel the same way I do, but unlike me you have a much more valid reason. I just wanted to put it out there  that no matter how “perfect” a family can seem, on the inside it’s completely different and you don’t know what that person can feel every day or the struggles they face behind the scenes.

I hate feeling this way, maybe one day it will get better but for now I guess this is just how it is and I need to suck it up, I mean I did choose to have children and I wouldn’t change that for the world, I just never thought I would feel this way. I think its OK to want the old you back sometimes, we are only human after all.

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